Life...

Well, it has certainly been awhile since I posted, and I can definitely tell you it was not due to lack of things to discuss!!  As of this past weekend, I officially became a high school graduate, and am now working to transition into the life of a full time college sophomore!  Crazy, right??  Anyway, this past weekend has left me full of opposite emotions, but through it all, there are three strong ones I would like to talk to you about.  These are three emotions that, I believe, we all share, no matter what point you are at in your life.  1) What's next?  Am I following God's plan for me?  Does He have a plan for me?  Could I get a sneak peek of that plan?  2) How do I persevere in the face of adversity?  I know God gives me strength, and says not to worry, but I am a human, born into sin, in a society FILLED with WORRY and FEAR!  3) Am I serving those around me, in a way that is both pleasing to God, and helpful to my brothers/sisters in Christ?  Do I have the strength/faith to trust God with my tomorrow, with who I will become, with how my journey will go, with who will go with me?  Over the next few articles, we will discuss each of these in depth, but for now, lets start at the beginning... How did these emotions/questions come into my life?


For most people who do not really know me (aka. everyone but God, my mom, and my best friend), they see me as the mature young lady, who's always smiling, and must have an exciting and adventurous life, because I have accomplished so much at a young age.  Those who really, really don't know me may also see me as the quiet, slightly shy/reserved girl, who sits back from the crowd to watch and observe those in the midst of the chaos.  To each person, I am crafted into a different image in their head.  Many times, this image is what they wish to see me as.  Quietness can be taken as unsocial, or even spiteful... Accomplishments can be taken as stuck up, or boastful, even if it is not you who is talking about them!  As my high school years progressed, I began to find myself swept up by the worrisome thoughts of what others were thinking about me.  When they thought of, "Makayla," what did they think?  Try as I might, there seemed to be no way to be safe with everyone.  During my freshman year alone, I was bullied for not cussing, for obeying our coach's orders, for staying out of trouble, for making good grades, and for openly talking about my relationship with Christ!  Are any of those things bad?  Were they things I was willing to remove from my life, in order to be spared the wrath of a couple of bullies?  Definitely NOT!


As a Christian young woman, preferring to be the source of people's comfort/inspiration/joy, more than disgust/pain/hatefulness, I was really concerned with making everyone happy, but I was also hurt by the fact that sometimes my good choices were the cause of other's pain.  The problem with all that was just this.... considering everyone is SO different, and uniquely created, there is NO WAY ON EARTH to please everyone in your life!  At first I did not want to believe this.  I did not want to be making excuses for why so-in-so was jealous, or unhappy, and I could not fix it, because I felt like, if I tried just a little bit harder, I would surely, eventually, be able to succeed at pleasing them.  To this day, I still struggle with knowing what it is that "Makayla" wants, at times, because so much of my life has been absorbed in pleasing others.  You see, I was always the 'friend' they could come to for prayer, advice, counsel, or venting.... but I was rarely the friend they chose to return the favor to.  Texting/calling me at every hour of the day, but disappearing completely when their lives went back to being blissful.  You see, none of the other people in their life, they felt, could see them in this vulnerable state, because they would use it against them somehow... but I was safe, and willing to rise to the occasion.  The problem with that was, although I enjoyed being there for them, I too took on their burdens spiritually and emotionally.  That's when my relationship with God, on a friend/counselor basis, first began to form.  He was the only one I knew would always be there.  If something horrible had just happened, I did not have to call Him on my cell and hope He would pick up, I did not have to message Him on Facebook and hope He would check His page soon so we could talk, and I definitely did not have to sit around waiting for enough bars on my phone to text Him some sappy message... He was just there!  I knew that by sharing these struggles with Him, I was not spreading rumors, or gossip, I was just talking to my Heavenly Father, praying for strength and healing.  What would be gossip if I went to a fellow girl friend to vent, was now prayer for the person in trouble/pain.  Knowing that, by sharing my heart's hopes/desires for that person's life, that He might hear me, and move in their lives.  He truly became my confident.


Despite these realizations, the worry/fear never completely subsides.  It is a learning process, I as the student, my Father as the teacher.  He has been everything my heart has ever desired, and more, but I have not always been in a state of mind to accept that.  Having faith in a loving protector you cannot see, but who moves in your life daily, who holds your plan in His hands, and who knows the depths of your heart more than you do, can be challenging at times, but it is in the moments of realization where both teacher and student can rejoice at the break in the clouds of the student's heart.