The Beauty of an Internship....

In these past few months of spring, I have been blessed with the opportunity to finally begin to rediscover the art of being communally involved/maturing again.  Over the past four years, I have been very active in serving those available to me, but after having my passions/heart crushed last fall, I crawled under a rock, and never wanted to come back out.  The months of being uninvolved and self- focused were torture,  I found that everything in my life began to suffer... my focus, my studies, my faith, my relationships... all my bitterness toward those who had hurt me, bled into a self-focused, unhappy, unfulfilled, monster!  Lol!  Sure, that may all sound funny, but there is a truth behind those words.  Because I allowed my heart, passions, character, faith, and being to be compromised, because of someone else's selfish choices, I became one of them too. :/


On an especially low day, I read a quote on Facebook that began to trickle light of hope and perspective back into my heart.  It said, "When you feel like your life is falling apart, go out and serve someone who's life really is." Suddenly I began to think of Haiti, and all the people I had met there.  I saw the children, their horrible everyday reality seeping through the pores of my blind mind... my supposed reality was truly theirs, and yet I was the one hiding?... I was the one pouting??... I was the one believing my life was over?  How selfish of me, how cruel!  


From that moment on, I began to search for ways that I could re-enter service to my community, but this time, I was going for a different approach.  I wanted to serve the hurting, the scared, the lonely, and the lost.  I wanted to seek out those who had been forgotten, because I now knew what it felt like to feel like you are facing life's brutality alone.  I wanted to find these people, hold them in my arms, and tell them, "You are not alone.  You never have been, you never will be, and I want to show you why, because I love you."  You see, these broken people were not always broken.  For all we know, maybe they too had their own selfish antagonist... maybe they too forgot what it was like to be loved.  Through my experience, I truly believe, that no matter how many humans "love" you, you will never have known what love is, until you have met and walked with Christ.  His love is so vast, so complex, and so unconditional, that there truly is no earthly word to describe its power, and the way it sweeps over an aching soul, who no longer feels worthy of the air it breathes.  Someone beat spiritually, and emotionally, to a pulp.... someone who's face has been rubbed with dirt... someone who knows the full force of hate, and its results... someone treated like a 'something'.  There is no feeling like it in the world, but all I can imagine is myself, at the bottom of a giant dirt pit, bleeding and grimy from the scum that has been thrown my way.  My shoulders are hunched, I'm on my knees, and my entire body quakes with fear and disgust... Suddenly, a light appears at the opening to my pit.  A hand is extended, and a kind voice says to me; "Come and hurt no more, for you are beautifully, and wonderfully made.  You are my child, a princess among thieves, and the pain you have endured for my name has not gone forgotten.  Come, let me heal your wounds, wash your tears, and make you new.  Come, let me love you."  No matter my situation, that is the image I see, and I wonder how I could be worthy of a love like that, when I am so filthy, and forgotten.  I praise the God who loved me enough to die for me, and who lives on to become my everlasting Father.  I am a humbled princess at His feet, after the internship of life has broken me.

Detox of Life!

As many of you may know, the season of lent is approaching, and in light of actually thinking about what would bring me closer to my purpose, and farther from my temptations/distractions, I would like to discuss "Detoxing Our Lives".


On average, we could say that most young people spend 15-18 hours awake each day.  Now, of those 15-18 hours, how many are spent literally wasting time??  With today's iPad's, iPhones, iPods, portable gaming devices, Facebook, YouTube, Netflix, Twitter, etc., even time that is meant to be reserved for school, is wasted.  All of these distractions are temptations of our time, and our character.  Do we tell mom we're studying late, so we can stay up and catch up on the Pretty Little Liars series?  Do we cheat ourselves, and God, by not fully applying every ounce of our attention to our school work, during class time?  Are our minds constantly wandering to the cyber world, because we feel it's so much safer, than the real world?  Who/what are we truly worshiping?  One heavenly God, or thousands of mind warping, materialistic gods?


What recently brought this problem to my attention, was actually.... me.  That's right!  My life has really been screwed up by 'distractions'.  For me it's: friends (who aren't the best influence in my walk with God), Facebook, Netflix, movies/dvds, junk food, and bad music.  When my life really starting going south, and I began to feel spiritually, emotionally, and physically weak, I began to wonder, "What am I really doing with the life/time God has given me?"  For many years, I thought I was living an 'okay' life. I had friends, fun, and lots of down time.  It wasn't until I was able to start truly feeling the effect of these  on my life, that I freaked out!  I was killing myself, and throwing away everything God had given me, all because I was following the lead of the media, and my friends, being apathetic towards life, and just flat out lazy!  Relationships with my family deteriorated, and I started to see the world from a sad, self-worshiping, point of view.  It was literally DEPRESSING!


As the lent season of 2012 began to roll around, I started thinking to myself, "If this season is meant for recognizing the sacrifice Jesus made for us, by sacrificing His life, shouldn't I give up these things that have become my life, and my distraction/disgrace toward Him?"  I began to think of all the things I might ACTUALLY GET DONE, with these negative distractions gone... Test taking back to a regular schedule, my driver's license, weight loss, family time, quiet time with/for God, faith strengthening, and maybe even become fluent in Spanish!  Ha, ha!  All those things, versus what I had allowed myself to become!?


After considering all I could get done, I thought of all I would be giving up... that was my comfort zone, my life, my routine... how scary would it be to walk into the darkness of change, and not know what was beyond each step?  All the cravings to return to familiar shores, all the temptations, all the torment.... was it worth it?  When I take a step back, and see who/what I've allowed myself to become, I say, "yes!  It is worth every moment!  It certainly won't be easy, and there may be days where I fail epically, but I know that God will see my repentance, my hope, and my effort to be a better person for Him, and He will lift me up, and give me the strength to finish the 'race marked out'."


If you're out there tonight, looking at your life, and wondering where it first started to slip, know that it's never too late.  Until your final breath, you have the opportunity to change who you choose to be, and to strive to live differently.  It won't be easy, and the devil will pursue you, but you will cry out, "Get behind me, Satan, for my hope rests in the Lord, God, Almighty, and you shall have no power over me, for God is on my side, and He alone remains forever in control!"  So dig deep in your hearts, find what's hurting you today, and 'cut it out' of your life for good.  I know that we can do this, but our strength must be in the Lord, our wonderful Father in Heaven, who will catch us when we fall, and cheer as we start to reach the finish line!!


God bless you, and your searching!


~ Clay