Well, it has certainly been awhile since I posted, and I can definitely tell you it was not due to lack of things to discuss!! As of this past weekend, I officially became a high school graduate, and am now working to transition into the life of a full time college sophomore! Crazy, right?? Anyway, this past weekend has left me full of opposite emotions, but through it all, there are three strong ones I would like to talk to you about. These are three emotions that, I believe, we all share, no matter what point you are at in your life. 1) What's next? Am I following God's plan for me? Does He have a plan for me? Could I get a sneak peek of that plan? 2) How do I persevere in the face of adversity? I know God gives me strength, and says not to worry, but I am a human, born into sin, in a society FILLED with WORRY and FEAR! 3) Am I serving those around me, in a way that is both pleasing to God, and helpful to my brothers/sisters in Christ? Do I have the strength/faith to trust God with my tomorrow, with who I will become, with how my journey will go, with who will go with me? Over the next few articles, we will discuss each of these in depth, but for now, lets start at the beginning... How did these emotions/questions come into my life?
For most people who do not really know me (aka. everyone but God, my mom, and my best friend), they see me as the mature young lady, who's always smiling, and must have an exciting and adventurous life, because I have accomplished so much at a young age. Those who really, really don't know me may also see me as the quiet, slightly shy/reserved girl, who sits back from the crowd to watch and observe those in the midst of the chaos. To each person, I am crafted into a different image in their head. Many times, this image is what they wish to see me as. Quietness can be taken as unsocial, or even spiteful... Accomplishments can be taken as stuck up, or boastful, even if it is not you who is talking about them! As my high school years progressed, I began to find myself swept up by the worrisome thoughts of what others were thinking about me. When they thought of, "Makayla," what did they think? Try as I might, there seemed to be no way to be safe with everyone. During my freshman year alone, I was bullied for not cussing, for obeying our coach's orders, for staying out of trouble, for making good grades, and for openly talking about my relationship with Christ! Are any of those things bad? Were they things I was willing to remove from my life, in order to be spared the wrath of a couple of bullies? Definitely NOT!
As a Christian young woman, preferring to be the source of people's comfort/inspiration/joy, more than disgust/pain/hatefulness, I was really concerned with making everyone happy, but I was also hurt by the fact that sometimes my good choices were the cause of other's pain. The problem with all that was just this.... considering everyone is SO different, and uniquely created, there is NO WAY ON EARTH to please everyone in your life! At first I did not want to believe this. I did not want to be making excuses for why so-in-so was jealous, or unhappy, and I could not fix it, because I felt like, if I tried just a little bit harder, I would surely, eventually, be able to succeed at pleasing them. To this day, I still struggle with knowing what it is that "Makayla" wants, at times, because so much of my life has been absorbed in pleasing others. You see, I was always the 'friend' they could come to for prayer, advice, counsel, or venting.... but I was rarely the friend they chose to return the favor to. Texting/calling me at every hour of the day, but disappearing completely when their lives went back to being blissful. You see, none of the other people in their life, they felt, could see them in this vulnerable state, because they would use it against them somehow... but I was safe, and willing to rise to the occasion. The problem with that was, although I enjoyed being there for them, I too took on their burdens spiritually and emotionally. That's when my relationship with God, on a friend/counselor basis, first began to form. He was the only one I knew would always be there. If something horrible had just happened, I did not have to call Him on my cell and hope He would pick up, I did not have to message Him on Facebook and hope He would check His page soon so we could talk, and I definitely did not have to sit around waiting for enough bars on my phone to text Him some sappy message... He was just there! I knew that by sharing these struggles with Him, I was not spreading rumors, or gossip, I was just talking to my Heavenly Father, praying for strength and healing. What would be gossip if I went to a fellow girl friend to vent, was now prayer for the person in trouble/pain. Knowing that, by sharing my heart's hopes/desires for that person's life, that He might hear me, and move in their lives. He truly became my confident.
Despite these realizations, the worry/fear never completely subsides. It is a learning process, I as the student, my Father as the teacher. He has been everything my heart has ever desired, and more, but I have not always been in a state of mind to accept that. Having faith in a loving protector you cannot see, but who moves in your life daily, who holds your plan in His hands, and who knows the depths of your heart more than you do, can be challenging at times, but it is in the moments of realization where both teacher and student can rejoice at the break in the clouds of the student's heart.
In these past few months of spring, I have been blessed with the opportunity to finally begin to rediscover the art of being communally involved/maturing again. Over the past four years, I have been very active in serving those available to me, but after having my passions/heart crushed last fall, I crawled under a rock, and never wanted to come back out. The months of being uninvolved and self- focused were torture, I found that everything in my life began to suffer... my focus, my studies, my faith, my relationships... all my bitterness toward those who had hurt me, bled into a self-focused, unhappy, unfulfilled, monster! Lol! Sure, that may all sound funny, but there is a truth behind those words. Because I allowed my heart, passions, character, faith, and being to be compromised, because of someone else's selfish choices, I became one of them too. :/
On an especially low day, I read a quote on Facebook that began to trickle light of hope and perspective back into my heart. It said, "When you feel like your life is falling apart, go out and serve someone who's life really is." Suddenly I began to think of Haiti, and all the people I had met there. I saw the children, their horrible everyday reality seeping through the pores of my blind mind... my supposed reality was truly theirs, and yet I was the one hiding?... I was the one pouting??... I was the one believing my life was over? How selfish of me, how cruel!
From that moment on, I began to search for ways that I could re-enter service to my community, but this time, I was going for a different approach. I wanted to serve the hurting, the scared, the lonely, and the lost. I wanted to seek out those who had been forgotten, because I now knew what it felt like to feel like you are facing life's brutality alone. I wanted to find these people, hold them in my arms, and tell them, "You are not alone. You never have been, you never will be, and I want to show you why, because I love you." You see, these broken people were not always broken. For all we know, maybe they too had their own selfish antagonist... maybe they too forgot what it was like to be loved. Through my experience, I truly believe, that no matter how many humans "love" you, you will never have known what love is, until you have met and walked with Christ. His love is so vast, so complex, and so unconditional, that there truly is no earthly word to describe its power, and the way it sweeps over an aching soul, who no longer feels worthy of the air it breathes. Someone beat spiritually, and emotionally, to a pulp.... someone who's face has been rubbed with dirt... someone who knows the full force of hate, and its results... someone treated like a 'something'. There is no feeling like it in the world, but all I can imagine is myself, at the bottom of a giant dirt pit, bleeding and grimy from the scum that has been thrown my way. My shoulders are hunched, I'm on my knees, and my entire body quakes with fear and disgust... Suddenly, a light appears at the opening to my pit. A hand is extended, and a kind voice says to me; "Come and hurt no more, for you are beautifully, and wonderfully made. You are my child, a princess among thieves, and the pain you have endured for my name has not gone forgotten. Come, let me heal your wounds, wash your tears, and make you new. Come, let me love you." No matter my situation, that is the image I see, and I wonder how I could be worthy of a love like that, when I am so filthy, and forgotten. I praise the God who loved me enough to die for me, and who lives on to become my everlasting Father. I am a humbled princess at His feet, after the internship of life has broken me.
As many of you may know, the season of lent is approaching, and in light of actually thinking about what would bring me closer to my purpose, and farther from my temptations/distractions, I would like to discuss "Detoxing Our Lives".
On average, we could say that most young people spend 15-18 hours awake each day. Now, of those 15-18 hours, how many are spent literally wasting time?? With today's iPad's, iPhones, iPods, portable gaming devices, Facebook, YouTube, Netflix, Twitter, etc., even time that is meant to be reserved for school, is wasted. All of these distractions are temptations of our time, and our character. Do we tell mom we're studying late, so we can stay up and catch up on the Pretty Little Liars series? Do we cheat ourselves, and God, by not fully applying every ounce of our attention to our school work, during class time? Are our minds constantly wandering to the cyber world, because we feel it's so much safer, than the real world? Who/what are we truly worshiping? One heavenly God, or thousands of mind warping, materialistic gods?
What recently brought this problem to my attention, was actually.... me. That's right! My life has really been screwed up by 'distractions'. For me it's: friends (who aren't the best influence in my walk with God), Facebook, Netflix, movies/dvds, junk food, and bad music. When my life really starting going south, and I began to feel spiritually, emotionally, and physically weak, I began to wonder, "What am I really doing with the life/time God has given me?" For many years, I thought I was living an 'okay' life. I had friends, fun, and lots of down time. It wasn't until I was able to start truly feeling the effect of these on my life, that I freaked out! I was killing myself, and throwing away everything God had given me, all because I was following the lead of the media, and my friends, being apathetic towards life, and just flat out lazy! Relationships with my family deteriorated, and I started to see the world from a sad, self-worshiping, point of view. It was literally DEPRESSING!
As the lent season of 2012 began to roll around, I started thinking to myself, "If this season is meant for recognizing the sacrifice Jesus made for us, by sacrificing His life, shouldn't I give up these things that have become my life, and my distraction/disgrace toward Him?" I began to think of all the things I might ACTUALLY GET DONE, with these negative distractions gone... Test taking back to a regular schedule, my driver's license, weight loss, family time, quiet time with/for God, faith strengthening, and maybe even become fluent in Spanish! Ha, ha! All those things, versus what I had allowed myself to become!?
After considering all I could get done, I thought of all I would be giving up... that was my comfort zone, my life, my routine... how scary would it be to walk into the darkness of change, and not know what was beyond each step? All the cravings to return to familiar shores, all the temptations, all the torment.... was it worth it? When I take a step back, and see who/what I've allowed myself to become, I say, "yes! It is worth every moment! It certainly won't be easy, and there may be days where I fail epically, but I know that God will see my repentance, my hope, and my effort to be a better person for Him, and He will lift me up, and give me the strength to finish the 'race marked out'."
If you're out there tonight, looking at your life, and wondering where it first started to slip, know that it's never too late. Until your final breath, you have the opportunity to change who you choose to be, and to strive to live differently. It won't be easy, and the devil will pursue you, but you will cry out, "Get behind me, Satan, for my hope rests in the Lord, God, Almighty, and you shall have no power over me, for God is on my side, and He alone remains forever in control!" So dig deep in your hearts, find what's hurting you today, and 'cut it out' of your life for good. I know that we can do this, but our strength must be in the Lord, our wonderful Father in Heaven, who will catch us when we fall, and cheer as we start to reach the finish line!!
God bless you, and your searching!
~ Clay
When the world says, "You can't!" That's really the devil saying, "I hope she doesn't!" :)
